(no subject)

[cutemajor.livejournal.com]

[ today was a thursday. thursday means skipping classes is alright in his book, & so when tony had invited him over, he'd taken up the offer almost gladly despite being told that tony wouldn't be in until later. he'd shrugged that off, dazing lightly on the couch while watching TV in the beginning. but that had quickly bored him, propelling him to wander the dorm before he finds himself beginning to clean, pushing him from the kitchen to the living room, the bathroom, and finally -- after a long period of hesitance -- tony's room.

he's picking through a pile of clothes (while carefully leaving the suspiciously female-type clothing in a separate basket) when something catches his eye -- a box, peeking out from underneath tony's bed. he's not quite sure what it is about the box that makes him curious enough to open it, but he does. & inside, he finds what looks like letters, each folded with such meticulous care & affection that he momentarily forgets to feel ashamed at not even hesitating to gingerly open one to peek through it.

& that's how spends the rest of the afternoon, reading through the letters that paint a clearer picture of his friend than he's ever known (or been told from tony himself). lowers his hands, still clutching the last of the letters, into his lap. hangs his head as he stares down at the floor, bangs covering his face as he struggles with the myriad of emotions -- the strongest of them being a strange ache in his chest, the second being shame at peering through what had been obviously private. wipes at his eyes quickly (angrily?) with an arm while carefully placing the letters back inside the box. pushes that back under tony's bed before he stands, making his way to the door upon deciding that it'd be best for him to go home for the afternoon. ]

Comments

[bawkmajor.livejournal.com]

. . . [ breath hitches a bit while he bites the inside of his mouth. breathes out. ]

Clara's letters. I. . . no. No excuses. I'm sorry.

1/2

[cawmajor.livejournal.com]

[ flinches openly at his words, his own breath catching in momentary shock. ]

[cawmajor.livejournal.com]

[ even if he feels his anger flare up he simply clenches his hands into fists, concentrating on breathing instead. still he can't help but say, a little darkly: ]

... you went through my stuff?

[bawkmajor.livejournal.com]

[ flinches a little at the tone. slowly lowers his arm, nodding minutely. ]

I did.

[cawmajor.livejournal.com]

[ the sharp frown on his face slowly dips into something more morose, almost sounding a little hurt when he speaks. ]

Why?

[bawkmajor.livejournal.com]

[ closes his eyes. ]

At first, it-- it was. . . [ stops to swallow. ] After the first one, I. . . I wanted to know. About you. About what you were dealing with.

1/2

[cawmajor.livejournal.com]

[ shoulders drop a bit, eyes going to the ground. ]

... those aren't for you, though. They're not for you. They're for me, they're mine, not--

[cawmajor.livejournal.com]

[ bites his lip and looks away, attempting to lower the bubbling of anger in the pit of his stomach. can't seem to quell it quick enough, taking a few steps forward towards anthony, expression churning into something unpleasant. ]

You deliberately read through all of them just so you can know about me? About this? What if I didn't want you to know those things? Huh? Did you ever think of that?

1/3

[bawkmajor.livejournal.com]

[ tenses, taking as many steps back as tony steps forward. ]

. . . Why, then?

[bawkmajor.livejournal.com]

Why wouldn't you want me to know? There was nothing shameful there! Why can't I know more about you? Why didn't you tell us anything?!

[bawkmajor.livejournal.com]

Why. . . why wasn't there anything that I already knew?

1/3

[cawmajor.livejournal.com]

[ reaches out to grab one of anthony's wrists, tugging him towards him with no amount of care to shout in his face: ]

Because it's NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.

[cawmajor.livejournal.com]

[ leans in closer to his face as his eyes narrow dangerously, tightening the hold on anthony's wrist in emphasis to his next words: ]

You know, you've got some nerve standing there whining about me not telling you anything when you always avoid shit. Dodging this, dodging that, never having a proper answer for anything. And do I ever push you? No. I don't. And do you know why, Anthony? Because if you wanted to share something then you'd share. I wouldn't go prying into something that should be private and personal, like whatever the fuck is going on between you and Alyssa. [ grip tightens further. ] Because it's obviously not for me to know.

[cawmajor.livejournal.com]

[ roughly lets go of his wrist, knowing he'd do more damage if he held onto it for any longer. stands up straight, side-glancing him with a cold gaze. ]

It's funny. I thought you of all people would have the same respect for me. [ snorts. ] Guess I misjudged you. My bad.

1/2

[bawkmajor.livejournal.com]

[ winces during the grip, tensing even further when it tightens. but any thought of retaliation drains from him when the words hit him, one by one, leaving him silent.

then wills himself to take a deep breath in, blinking rapidly a few times to school his expression & fight past the stupor he feels to be rapidly encroaching his mind. ]

. . . I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[bawkmajor.livejournal.com]

[ speaks his next words softly & cautiously, as if he's expecting to be struck. but he does not stutter, needing to get the words out while tony still allows it. ]

But then. What would be my business knowing? About you, who I-- who's my-- [ friend. can't bring himself to say it. ] About what would I have been allowed to know?

1/3

[cawmajor.livejournal.com]

Exactly what I've been telling you. I don't have to tell you everything. Not when it's-- [ stops. expression drops again, a small waver briefly hitching his voice. ] Not when it's about this.

[cawmajor.livejournal.com]

... I trusted you. Too not look or pry. I trusted you to let me do what I had to do. This isn't something I can just casually talk about. [ a short pause. ] I thought that when I was ready I could tell you everything, because I fully intended to. I wasn't... mentally ready. Emotionally. But you violated that trust I had in you.

[cawmajor.livejournal.com]

[ shakes his head and turns away from him, running a hand through his hair before scrubbing at his face. it takes him a moment to speak, but finally: ]

You shouldn't be here. Not right now.

1/2

[bawkmajor.livejournal.com]

[ & it's those words that hurt him a lot more, more than the anger. more than being physically struck. but he nods without speaking for now, only looking up once to catch glimpse of tony's face (his expression). then drops his gaze again, thinning his lips into a line before he finally manages get his legs to move.

only allows himself to pause his steps when he's at the door, his back to tony. keeps his voice as level as possible. ]

If. . . there isn't even one person here that you trust yourself with, go. . . go back to her. [ stops. then amends. ] Please. Go. . . to where you feel most at peace.

[bawkmajor.livejournal.com]

. . . I'm sorry.

[ goodbye.

& then he's opening the door for the second time, walking away as steadily as he can. ]

[cawmajor.livejournal.com]

[ doesn't turn around, not even when he hears the door click shut and the typical sound of buzzing silence filling the room. just stares down at the ground as he tries to figure out what he's supposed to be feeling at the moment, soon realizing that he can feel one thing and one thing only; it doesn't have to be said. the expression on his face is enough to portray everything.

the foreign emotion(s) makes him breathe a bit shakily, almost as if he's at a loss of what to do. a long, drawn-out few minutes later and he's padding slowly on over to his room, crawling on top of his bed to press his face into a pillow and lay there like that silently.

snakes his hand down to his pocket after what seems like hours, taking out his cellphone to flip through his contact list while peering at it with one eye. when he lands on her name his thumb hovers over the "send" button, the hesitation clear. gaze goes down to the comforter below him as he thinks over what had just happened, those thoughts alone prompting him to press the right key to make his call. places the phone against his ear, praying to some unknown deity that the other person would pick up-- ]

... Clara?

[ & then he closes his eyes and listens to the sound of her voice, her words masking and drawing away whatever kind of negative feelings he had collected throughout his encounter with anthony. there he will lay for the rest of the night, momentarily soothed into slumber by the tone that he knows so well, though his dreams would soon turn into nightmares containing nothing but memories-gone-wrong. ]